Sitting in Winter

Right now, I am in my childhood home in Wisconsin, on a vacation of sorts. It’s not your “fun-in-the-sun” vacation, full of relaxation and ease. I’m here, sitting in ten degree weather with 16 inches of snow, to work on my relationship with my husband.

Our three-year wedding anniversary is next week, and yet, right now you could say we are separated. I don’t have an answer right now as to whether or not we will ultimately be able to make it work, which is sad for me. Sometimes I think it might be easier if I just call it quits and try and move on, but I can’t yet.

I’m thoroughly in the winter section of Centerpoint’s cycle, the renewal and self-assessment stages. I need to know what I truly want and need out of a relationship to know if I can find and create that with my husband. But some of my well-meaning friends are giving me the advice that I should just make a decision already, that prolonging things is only making it worse.

That’s one of the biggest signs of winter, I think: when others around you are nudging (or outright pushing) you to action, when right now all the action is internal. Just because winter is a season of withdrawal and cocooning does not mean that it has to be entirely inactive. Just a different kind of action, at your own time, at your own pace.

I’m still working at finding my answers, are you?